Intimacy

I really love this, it speaks to me

Geo Sans

eyelids are closed

nobody knows

who I really am

~

trying to fall

are you trying to fall

asleep?

~

losing it all

are you losing it all?

(peace)

~

surrender to her

surrender to the world

release

~

~

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welcome to my life, ready to leave yet???

I sat there wondering myself worth..it was like what’s wrong with me..I feel so alone..what was this…my constant need for someone to be around me …to not be alone…I fought so hard to blend in and not be alone…so hard trying to be normal..maybe because I subconsciously the fact that I was never normal and never be…that I will never be able to be loved because I’m so screwed up on the inside..I mean every girl has a best friend but not me I was doomed to be forever alone..no one liked me..even I didn’t like me..how could I you looked at me like I was worthless like I was some type of disgusting disgrace..maybe you were blind and weren’t seeing or maybe I was too blind to be what you and everyone else were seeing. then there’s you…you make me wanna kiss and punch you at the same time you make me feel like a queen and yet at the same …never mind maybe it was all in my mind only seeing what I wanted to see..what was I thinking how could you ever love me..I was more than damaged goods..if I could go back to being damaged goods life would be much better..I mean at least damaged goods can be fixed…I was beyond the point of return..wow can u feel it..have you ever felt it..that gut wrenching feeling you get when you realize just how pathetic and alone you are..I sold myself a false illusion..it’s like this hollow aching in my chest like my insides are being carved out…like I’m on the edge of salinity and my emotions are trying to push me over…sometimes I love the girl I see in the mirror other times seeing her face disgust me..I wanna tell her just how ugly and stupid she is for thinking that shell ever be more than the scum left on the floor , for thinking that she could ever be loved that she could ever be normal or happy for thinking that someone actually cared about her I wanted to hurt her because of her insecurities I hated her because  she could looks so normal and have such a storm brewing inside of her..I hated her because she was better than me..she could stare back at me and admit the things I was too scared to say to myself..I hated her because her life looked so perfect and I was stuck dealing with what was on the inside while she gets to hide the pain and act like she loved her outside. she made me disgusted looking at her because she can be happy while she knew what’s it really like on the inside..that she pretended to be happy when I knew she wasn’t..she was fake ..are you still there??? but when I looked at her through your eyes I thought she was beautiful I thought she was funny and smart…I thought she was such a strong independent woman…I thought that she was more than perfect..then I forgot that you wear glasses and the prescription on your glasses didn’t match mine and that everything I was seeing was wrong. I realized just hope screwed up and pathetic I was..but I can’t tell you that because that would bring the bridges in that girls perfect world crashing down around her and I kind of like looking at the world through her eyes…everything was breathtaking and it looked nothing like the girl on the opposite side of the mirrors world..anyways I’m done talking to you for now..I have to go back to the others who know what I mean back to the ones who what I mean when I say I’m dying inside..even though I love you,  you don’t belong on this side of the mirror it’s not perfect enough for you..you deserve more than I can offer I can’t give you the love you need when I cant even give it to myself..but then again you never asked for my love you just kinda got it. tell me what it feels like.